I Miss Her

I wasn't ready for this new adventure in my life. It wasn't time. It probably never would have been for me. I just wasn't ready. Who can ever prepare themselves for the loss of a loved one? Really? Even if she had been sick for a long time with a terminal illness, I don't think the pain would be any less. My sis was the other half of me. We might have been twins if we hadn't been born three years apart. So similar. So different. I always felt that she was prettier than me, smarter than me, and more talented than me. Does it matter? Not one bit. It never did. I loved her because of her qualities that I was jealous of. She knew how to make me laugh. I would move mountains for my sister but instead I distanced myself from her in the end. We both had made choices in life that separated us in many ways.

We both loved photography. She chose to focus on people, where I chose to focus on scenery and architecture. We both loved to write. She wrote a lot of fiction. I wrote about what was going on around me. We both loved books. Very similar in tastes. We grew up with a love of horror novels, specifically Stephen King. We both adored our children. We tried to do things together with them as often as we could. I remember a trip we took to Myrtle Beach and the Aquarium. The kids had a great time. We had a great time.

Life hurts us at times to show us what we should hold dear. It has to like that or we wouldn't appreciate what we have. I have so many memories I look back on with my sister. I have so many regrets for recent years and things that each of us, in turn, did to put distance between us. Recently I had picked her up and taken her to Fox's Pizza in Eastover. I was on a short lunch break at work and I just wanted to spend time with her and talk. We did that. We talked. About nothing important. But we were together. People listening to us would have wondered. Because our conversations were always all over the place. We joked a lot. I don't think anyone alive will ever get my sense of humor the way my sister did.

The kids are going to remember their mother. Dylan and Brian will remember their aunt. I will remember my sister as a little kid who got on my nerves. The sister who broke my favorite doll the same day I got it for Christmas. The sister who I would ask if she were wearing a bra or had on deodorant when she went outside to play. I'd ask loud enough for all of her friends to hear. My sister, who on my second date with my ex-husband when I was 14, chose to embarrass the crap out of me. I will remember walking to New York with Wes and Granny. I will remember us playing in our old house on Baywood Rd. Running in and out and me going through the glass storm door and Wes almost losing an ear from flying glass. I'll remember playing blind man's bluff with Wes one 4th of July at the same house and me hitting a tree dead on because I was blindfolded.

We share so many memories. Playing in ditches made for pipes in Hope Mills. Swimming at Hope MIlls Lake. She was with me when I went and got Katrina and Steven from their mom in 1999. We were so close. And then not. Just in this last year it seems, life had sent us down separate paths. I was so disappointed when she didn't go to my graduation or pinning ceremony from nursing school. She was disappointed when I left Eastover and moved to Red Springs. We each had our regrets. We tried. And we would have gotten close again if given time. We always did.

I miss her.