Discovery, not Recovery

Just a few months after my infamous split with my ex-husband, I tried to get back in to the dating scene. After a sixteen year marriage and twenty-four year friendship, dating was the very last thing I should have attempted. But I tried. I really did. I joined Plenty of Fish, Match.com, Datehookup.com and a few other less known sites. Did I have success? Yes and no. Anyone can find someone on a dating site if you are looking hard enough. Will you find a quality person who matches your wants and needs? Maybe. My ex did. I did not. Why did I not? Well, simply because I did not know what my wants and needs were. I met a few guys that I could speak to casually but never met or a few that I met casually but it never amounted to anything. I was not ready. How can you be ready to jump into a relationship when you are dealing with a relationship just ended? You can't with success. You really can't. I did meet my ex-boyfriend on Facebook and we had a great year and a half and I count him as one of my best friends and favorite people. Was the relationship a success? Obviously not if he is an ex. Am I surprised? Not one little bit. I was not ready.

After our relationship ended, I tried the dating websites again. This time with just as much of a failing but for different reasons. This time it is because I am so busy with my own life, I have a hard time meeting people that I am willing to fit into my life as it is currently. I am also unwilling to introduce someone to my six year old. Now, I have a better idea of what my wants and needs are. My wants and needs are simple. But unfortunately they do not include a man. Does this scare me? Very much. Am I worried that I will let love pass me by while I am trying to fulfill my goals? Yes. Do I worry that I will be the old lady who is alone? No, not really because I have so many good friends and family that I doubt very much that I am ever going to be alone.

Life is full of surprises. I am a testament to that. My life was jerked out from under my feet two years ago. Everything I knew to be true was questioned and I have had to learn to adapt and change to go with the flow. I have made a success of my life since then and value everything in it. Am I sad about the state of my love life? Not at all. Not in the slightest. I am still trying to figure out who I am. I am taking time to get to know myself and what I like and don't like. There are things to contend with in the past so that I do not make the same mistakes in the future. My life is happy and fulfilled but also a little bittersweet. It is sad to realize that you are happier alone than you were with the person you expected to grow old with.

I am allowing myself all the time in the world to figure myself out. One thing I have learned in the past two years is that I am a hell of a strong woman. I am determined and will do anything in my power to protect myself and my family. I have also learned that I need to allow myself the time to be myself. To be happy by myself. To love myself. There are days when I cannot breath from the tightness in my chest caused by the memories that crop up. There are days when I am so proud of everything that I have accomplished in the last two years, from my house, to my career and to my friendships. I have earned the right to be who I am. To be proud of everything I have accomplished in my life. No one can take anything away from me unless I allow them to. I am learning to love who I am. I accept who I am with pride.

Do I make mistakes? You bet! Every day. Do I have regrets? But of course. I have so many regrets that I choke on them sometimes. Do I wish I still had my old life? No. The very idea scares me. I was drowning and didn't even know it.

I have a good friend who tells me to not dwell on the past. I don't dwell. I analyze why I allowed myself to be the person I was, to deal with the things I did, to stay when I should have left, and to put a man before my child. I analyze so that I can put things in perspective and not be that person in a future relationship. I want to be a healthy person, mentally, for myself, for my children, and for any future relationship I am in. I am in discovery, not recovery.