Selfless or Selfish... you decide

I have always been the one to bend over backwards and lend a hand. I have helped raise more kids than I can count. There has always been someone living in my home that needed or just wanted to come stay. In my life I have always felt that by doing for others was how I showed my worth. Talentless, I made a name for myself as the one you could turn to if you ever needed anything. Art has never been my thing. I can take a great photograph but then not be able to explain how I got the shot. I can write when I want but it always seems like an accidental happening rather than a real gift. I have drawn one picture that was worthy of publication, yet it was never seen by anyone other than my art teacher. Taking drama in school, I stumbled over my words and could not memorize lines.

So I made my mark the only way I knew, by helping. So given that, were my efforts to be there for others, open my home to everyone from a stray dog to my ex husband a "true" selfless act or was it selfishness in its' truest sense? Was I saying "Look at me! I can't produce great literature or artwork but I've helped so and so out of a bind"? I hope the answer is no, I am not compensating and being selfish but that I am ultimately a helpful, giving person. See, I struggle with everything I do. Every word that comes out of my mouth is analyzed to make sure that it wouldn't be taken the wrong way. I second and third guess any decision I make for fear I have made the wrong one. 

I am a "fixer" in the very sense of the word.... I believe I can fix anything be it a problem my child has, a relationship, issues for friends and family or hell even my plumbing. I do not know any limitations. I go for the gusto and fix and fix until it is either fixed or broker (more broke?) than it was before. That is who I am. I have learned over time that I am only slightly neurotic, a little borderline with my personality, and a great deal of a loving person. Mean streak? But of course. Doesn't everyone have one? Honest? To a fault. Vindictive? Maybe a little.

All in all I believe I am a valuable person worthy of love and respect. There are times when I cannot hold my head high because of things I have done in my past that I am ashamed of. There are so many people that tell me they love me and adore me and what I mean to them that I have to believe they can't all be lying to me. Being me is who I am.

Mom, friend, lover, confidante, aunt, sister, daughter.... I am me for better or worse. It's time I learn to start living with myself and accentuate all the wonderful things others see in me and dust off the baggage that weighs heavy on my shoulders.